Not A Music Student

Somebody observed something about one of my friends once. They constantly tried to get into obscure, and unpopular things. Why? The theory is that this person would rather be the best at an obscure thing, than second best at a popular thing. It was all about the recognition.

This is something that I thought was confined to Musical Instruments. I mean, I knew it could extend farther, but I didn't think it did. And here I am, feeling the same way.

There's always been somebody better. Don't tell anyone, but for one summer, I wanted nothing more than to be the Sr. Honour student at music camp. I was all set to give it a shot, the year that I was a senior, and Erika wasn't. So I was all psyched up to go, in my head. Then Meagan decided to go to camp. I didn't even try. She's great at what she does, so I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyways, but I just didn't try.

I resolved that I was the biggest gamer, and greatest nerd in Music Camp. That was good enough for me.

Then I got to University.

We were informed in our second class that we would need to use Linux. Where I would have asked "How does that work?" another dude asked which release they were using. People were done a full hour ahead of me in my lab on Monday.

Now, that doesn't bother me too much, but it sucks that my Alamo, my last-resort-for-a-thing-to-be-awesome-at, my last line of defence before mediocraty, has been bombed straight to hell. What am I?

I'm a Christian, with a decent knowledge of why. But I feel like an idiot when talking to some people, and a know-it-all to others. I'm a great friend, but I alwas fear my motives are being questioned, even when I'm sure there's nothing sinister.

I'm confident in myself, as long as I don't have to compete. To fight. Unless it's a videogame, because nine times out of ten, I rock. The other time, I, uh, sneezed, at the worst, um, possible moment.

And even that I can't do.

What do I have right now? A pathway that ends in a degree I'll probably never use. An X Box with no friends to play with. A room, with only one important decoration: a computer, which I use to complain, write crap that nobody'll read. A bed, on which I sleep.

All I've got right now, it feels, is my family, my friends, and my God. All those things are awesome, but as always, a man will always ask for more. And if a man will always ask for more, what's a boy like me to do? Throw a tantrum for more.

I had a look at my budget the other day. If I don't start living like a monk, my bank account might not live past YC. I've got more money on reserve, in my long term savings (earmarked for a golden aniversary honeymoon, or retirement gift to myself), but I'm not sure I really want to dip into that. Because that means I'll have to replace it during the Summer. And nobody wants to work for money they can't spend.

Something good did come of my CS class, though. I met Liai. He's from some country in Africa, I can't recall which one off hand. He doesn't have a computer, and he's in my Computer Science class. He asks "What?" after every sentance. He calls me "Jeshwa." He is possibly the best thing to come of my Unviersity so far. And I've spoken a total of five minutes to him.

I'm feeling very jaded (and obese ... a private joke, I suppose) right now.

I wrote this entry in like, three parts. Expect no coherence.

I have German excersises to do.

Wunderbar.