Upcoming Meltdown

Every so many months, I have this emotional meltdown. I don't know how to prevent them. I've been learning to deal with them. They've affected my relationships in the past, for the better and for the worse. I'm trying to cushion the impact now.

Today it began. I was talking to Marlene during my meeting about what gives me a deep satisfaction. The answer was "deep connection."

It makes sense, I know, but I can't speak for anybody else. I live for that connection with other human beings. There have been a few people in the past with whom I've consistently connected with for a time, but they all cycle. Example: I have no such connection right now.

I look at my relationships as they stand right now. I've got plenty of friends: more than I would have asked for! I annoy the heck out of them, but they stick around. It's good.

I think about a person with whom I've shared a "deep connection" before. I re-organized my days around our conversations. Those talks were worth the cost of living in St. John's, of going to MUN. Something has happened, though. I don't know what, but that connection is gone. We're still friends, and laughs are still shared, but I talk to them and think about how all that made me feel.

I'm not even talking about a romantic-interest sort of thing. Yes, this person is female, but it wasn't like that. But then I wonder why isn't today like the way it was? Perhaps I made it that way. Did I make it awkward? Did I talk too much and listen not enough? Did I not engage?

Heck, it could just be the natural evolution of my relationships. It sucks, but that's probably it.

I was contemplating all this quietly alone at SASF, which I realize now is a bad move. I was content, and happy, sitting and watching people skate. I would have preferred that over skating, I think. I tried to reach out, though, and sort of got burned. Then somebody came to talk to me. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm glad somebody made the effort, and I was glad for the conversation ... but I realize how I painted myself in a negative light.

Maybe I do need to be content with the way things are. Maybe the only relationships I can have right now are the ones around the University lunch table. I guess everybody I know is too good a student to go to a movie on a Monday night, or to throw a much needed Study-Saturday away. Can I fault them for having a focus on academia? Of course not.

It's just that, this is not the social situation I imagined when I was coming to St. John's, but reality is typically not as fun as fantasy, I guess.

This is making me feel better. I don't know if that's good or bad. I've never been able to diffuse a "meltdown" before, so I fear I'm just postponing the problem.

Ugh. Why is reality so messy?