Insomnia

It's not incredible that I'm awake here at 1 am. I brought it on myself I guess, by staying up last night, and sleeping in today. I hate laying in bed, though, just waiting for sleep to steal me away. My mind wanders, and I think about doing rash things.

A lot of stupid emails have been sent between the hours of 2 and 4 am. Explaining things, and asking things that might not matter when the sun comes up. A few of them have felt good to get out, but in the morning I just feel like an idiot for typing all that I did in a sleep deprived state. The same thing for blog entries. Not like this one, but the "reveal-all, and explicitly tell you my problems, then promise to change" sort of blogs.

Actually, that's sort of what this is heading to. Between an insomniac stupor plus pathetic loneliness for friends gone on, regretful sadness for the passing of my grandmother, angry confusion for the separation of my parents, et cetera, et cetera, I'm wishing I could make the world right. Or at least my corner of it.

I wish everybody who had/is having a problem with me, would just tell me tomorrow. I wish somebody would tell me that they think I'm a pretty cool guy, and somebody else would tell me that I'm not as cool as they let me think. I wish people would just tell me something.

I wish feelings expressed on blogs didn't have to be veiled in ambiguity. I wish I would know what is directed to me, and what isn't, and what all those messages mean. When one talks of train-wrecks, or swimming pools, I wish I could know where I am in relation to the allusion: the conductor, a passenger, a victim, or completely outside. But then, I wish I didn't do the same on mine, that I didn't have to worry about things being taken the wrong way, or to be embarrassingly exposing to me.

I wish I could express myself in the way I want others to express to me. I wish people wouldn't wave me off when I start to tell them about my struggle. I wish I had less acquaintances who simply sit at the same table, and more friends who would hear me out, and honestly disagree or agree with something I say.

I wish some people would shut up, and others would speak up. I wish that quiet girl would tell me her thoughts, and that militant guy would stop telling me his.

I wish those conversations would come back. I wish they didn't have to disappear. I wish I didn't use up all of our subject matter, and I wish I hadn't made that awkward.

I wish I could tell people when I think something nice. I wish "I can't believe more guys aren't attracted to you," was something I could utter without being looked at strangely, and I wish the phrase "You're a pretty awesome guy" carried more weight.

I wish I could ask more questions, but I wish people would ask me questions, so I could give more answers too. I wish people would look at me in a similar way that I look at people I think are smart. And then, I wish farther interaction with those smart people didn't have to tarnish their image in my mind.

I wish I could conjure up more wishes. This whole thing is a little bit liberating, but it makes me sad at the same time. I'll try and rectify some of the wishes that should be realities this week.



And I wish this resolve didn't have to pass with the night.