To Create

"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it
Remember only the verse, songmaker's cry the one without tears
For I've given this its strength and it has become my only strength ..."
~Nightwish: Dead Boy's Poem

I want to create. I want to make something. Put my effort into something that'll change somebody's life. Or at least have meaning to somebody other than me and those who pity me.

I want to be part of something epic. I want to change the world. Make it better.

What do I really want to do? Where am I going?

I hear my friends complain about not knowing what they want to do. The thought hit me the other day that I really don't know what I'm doing either. I think to myself "Don't worry about it. Do whatever, you'll be fine no matter what happens." But I suppose knowing that there are jobs in Engineering, or Nursing, or whatever, is comforting. I want that.

Somebody asked me the other day what I want to do when I get out of school. I immediately said "leave the developed world." I was half joking, but then I got thinking about it ...

I still worry this is a romance that plays in my head. I think I might actually be addicted to the internet. Well, maybe it's just something I fill my time with. Either way, if I do "leave the developed world," it'll be painful.

But at least it's a direction to walk in, for now.

I need to study my German. Then perhaps I'll go to sleep.

Moulds

I came across a "monologue" as it were the other day, that I really like, and seems to be pertinent to how I've been feeling lately.

Here it is: from xkcd.

=====

The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over. And we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation of the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us.

And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: The solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.

This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can:

F***.

That.

S***.

Everyone Else Is Doing It

Since it seems to be the cool thing to do ...

My schedule:
(Those blank spots at 9:00 Mon, Wed, and Fri will be filled with "Introduction To Philosophy" which I'm still on the waiting list for)

Beautiful Complaints

Just thought I'd post this here. I know, I know, two post day. But listen and read. Kind of funny how nice these complaints sound.



EDIT:
Not as good, but there's another in English:

Nightwish

I'm here in the SASF room now. I love coming here, because there are always about five different people with shared music on my iTunes. I can listen to other people's music. I've been curious about Nightwish for some time, and lucky me, "Jen Q" has some. I'm listening, and I like very much.

I wanna see what they have at HMV for these dudes now. The music I've listened to so far comes from the "Century Child" album. Their Phantom of The Opera rocks, no pun intended.

Speaking of bands from Finland, I need to get that Rajaton CD I've always talked about too.

EDIT: I just thought I'd tack this on here: I found a short 'conversation' in a webcomic, that I thought was pretty neat for no real reason:

"What time is it?"
"Now."
"That's a pretty boring answer."
"It's not. It's the least boring answer imaginable."

Beyond that, I've fallen in love with the latin word "Nemo" which means nobody.

The captain of the submarine in 20 000 Leagues Under the Sea was Captain Nemo, which is apparently where Nemo got his name in the Disney movie.

This fascination with "Nemo" comes from the Nightwish song, which sounds like it's written to Captain Nemo. Apparently, the band gets mobbed with Nemo plush toys when they play live concerts though.

Weird.

Real Last CS1710 Lab

This is my real last Computer Science lab ever. Be excited.

It's twenty to three now. Last week I was almost done by now. I haven't even started yet today.

It's hard to be motivated.

I'm going to end up not doing work, doing okay on the quiz, alright on the exam, and then whine about how useless it all was.

In the meantime, I think I'll go get a snack.

=====

NOTE: I've taken artistic liscence. I know it's not completely useless.

Gross Monday

I feel so sick right now. This is bad, since Meighan has given me the ultimatum: stop coughing by Monday, or get dragged to the doctor. I'm not coughing as much, but now I actually feel sick. Gross.

This is my last "Mournful Monday" ever. Next term I won't have to wait around until 4:30 for a Computer Science quiz every Monday. Yeah!

I've got a ticket-thinger to an advance screening of The Nativity. It's good for two people, and despite having mass enough for three (discovered with a teeter-totter on a late-night trip to the park), I count as simply one.

Greg and Catherine are going. I'll feel like a tag-along if I don't get somebody else to go.

Going home in 2.5 weeks. Wewt, yes? Gotta do some work, make some money, and relax with friends. I'd better not have a free night while I'm home!

But at the same time, I wish I could be here over Christmas, in some ways. Or at least for new-years. But I'll have three months of St. John's next term, so I can't complain about spending an extra week in Corner Brook. Heck, I can't complain anyways, Corner Brook rocks.

I've also stopped getting annoyed at people writing "X"mas this year. People have complained to me that "You're 'X'ing out 'Christ!'" but that's not true at all. The letter X MEANS Christ.

It's the first letter in the Greek(or Latin, I'm not sure) spelling of 'Jesus' or something. Which evolved to be the letter that people wrote when they can't sign for themselves, AND the letter we use to signify the kiss in "xoxo."

I've talked to a guy who writes "Christian" as "Xian" now. Pretty neat.

Merry Xmas then!

Wow

Well. Not the first genocide proposed, but it's the first one I can remember that I've been threatened by.



This man seriously needs prayer.

The Thought Attacked Me

I've been thinking these past few days about a quote I read somewhere a few years ago. In typical Thompson-brain fashion, I don't remember the context, or the exact words, but I do remember the gist, and it's been clawing at my brain lately.

"If you were told you're about to die, who would you call, and what would you say?

More importantly: Why aren't you calling them right now."

I can't think of anybody I'd call to apologize to, reveal something to, tell something to. Is that me being ignorant, or am I living my life how it should be lived?

Maybe I'm thinking too big. I'd probably call my brother, or my parents to tell them I love them.

So yeah ...

The end, I guess.

Go listen to Anberlin. Now.

Music, Lack of Late Fees, and Physics Labs

Exaggerated Story from my day:
Today, I professed my love for Zack. Initially I meant it as a joke, to simply get a reaction, but I've re-evaluated that position. I think I actually might be in love with Zack. He points me in the direction of free music.

Explanation and Exclamation:
There's a free music sampler on purevolume.com from Tooth & Nail records, and after downloading and having a listen, this is definitely the best free music ever. Heck, I'd have paid for it, but it's good that I didn't have to, since I'm broke anyways.

Expository paragraph on a band:
Greatest band discovery on my part: Anberlin. Seriously, have a listen. I'm in love with Paperthin Hymn because it's awesome. If you check out their myspace, you can watch the video.

Expository paragraph on a band:
And I believe these guys aren't new, but The Classic Crime, is fantastic too. Dave Pike told me to listen to them an age and a half ago, but this is the first time I've really listened. Fantastic sound.

Progression of post, in reference to title:
I returned my overdue game to MicroPlay, expecting to pay the late charge. The dude behind the counter let it slide though. They must have a policy of letting awesome dudes in blue hats off.

Tangent:
Yes, I'm wearing the blue hat again. The wind tries to take it away, but I like it. Plus it keeps my hair away from my eyes. And it's like an identification thing. And ladies who pass you on the street (I suspect) probably don't expect to be mugged by a thugish looking man in a blue hat.

Back on track, with next segment of title:
Tonight was my last Physics lab ever, if I have my say in it. It wasn't too bad. I'll miss playing with the carts on the table though, as my partner writes a bunch of numbers down. In High School, I was the one doing ALL the work (well, most) but now, I was the slacker. I did ask her if there was anything I could do, so when she said "Nope" all I could really do is fiddle, right?

Final Paragraph:
One week from tomorrow until classes end. Can't wait to have more free time. Hopefully Catherine, Greg, Meighan, Mark, etc. aren't working too much.

Second Tangent:
It's actually kind of weird hanging out with them, to be honest. Well, not really, but ... Catherine and Greg are going out, and Meighan and Mark are crazy childhood friends. Everybody's close, except for me, the outsider. Whenever I really connect with someone in the group, I worry that I'm putting their 'partner' as it were, out. Maybe if/when Rebecca and/or Steph manage to hang out with us, it'll be less "bleh."

Actual Final Paragraph:
I'd better end this before another tangent bites me in the face.

"Soccer"

Found this while surfing the webernet yesterday.

I just found it really cool for no reason at all.

Dancing in the Dark

So, there wasn't bible study last night. I was expecting a dull night ...

Nope.

Meighan showed up at my door, trying to find a ride. Since there was no study, we just sort of hung around for a while. I got groceries, and then we sat around some more. Chatted, you know?

Later, we phoned Mark, who told us he had "people" over. Shortly after, we were called by Catherine, explaining that she was the "people." We decided we were going to do something. They said they'd phone in a while. I assumed like, several minutes.

Several more minutes than anticipated later, we got a call. After arguing with her about taking so long to call (in a joking fashion, of course) we decided we'd go out to Chess's (sp?) for a snack.

Eventually we did get together and go, but went to another fish 'n chips place, then to A&W. Greg bought me a burger. Thanks Greg!

Trying to figure out what to do afterwards, several ideas were bounced around. We finally settled on a dance party at Cabot Tower. Yes, we did. That was hilarious, dancing in the headlights, getting presumably strange looks from people we couldn't see for their headlights.

We went to the park after like, 2o minutes of dancing and being fools, where we were fools for another short while. After that, it all had to end, since I had class at 8:00, and Catherine had to work too.

Funniest moment: realizing that two girls were in their cars for the longest time, just watching Catherine and I dancing like fools (the others were party-poopers and climbed into the car). We obviously rock oh-so-much.

Last 1710 Lab Ever

I'm sitting now, in the Computer Science lab. This is the final lab for the term, and hence, my last ever. [EDIT: I made a mistake, I've got one left after today]

Yay, right? I've got one CS assignment left too, once that's done, I only really need to worry about the exam. Well, worry insofar as remembering that I've got to show up. Despite hating this course so much, and being a bit slow to catch on to the concepts, I've been doing very well. I just got my lowest quiz mark back today: 83%. How can I be worried?

I've been thinking about taking a year off of University. When I tell people this, they automatically assume I'd go home, and work for the year. I really don't know if that's what I'd do. I've been looking at the ignite program in Toronto, as well as just going somewhere on a missions trip for a year.

It probably will never happen, though I was so ready to go yesterday. Maybe I'll just go to a new University next year, with a Theology program. I'm interested in doing Philosophy at MUN, but honestly, why? I'll tell you why: It's because I don't want to leave home. I'd find it interesting, but I'm pretty sure I know what I'd do with a Philosophy degree: get a new degree.

Aargh, and when I read over these posts, I can't help but imagine that whining, immature child that I am, stressing out over things that shouldn't worry me right now.

But honestly, when the world wars were going on, plenty of "kids" enlisted for an adventure. Well there's a bigger, more important war going on, and as a soldier of the Salvation Army, I feel like I should be in the trench, rather than back at camp playing cards and getting useless degrees.

And then people argue that with the degree I'll be able to farther the reach of the kingdom.

I dunno, I just need to pick a direction. Jonah did that at least. He started to run away from where God wanted him. I don't want to run away, I just want to run period. Perhaps God'll send a fish to swallow me, and spit me up at my Ninevah?

I'd prefer a boat, but at least I wouldn't be able to wonder "Hmm, if this fish is spitting me up in St. John's harbour, maybe God is trying to tell me something ..."

Poetry

So. I've procrastinated for three weeks until today, when I decided to do my critical analysis of a poem for English. The one I've picked (out of a possible three) is Richard Wilbur's "Year's End."

Do we have to understand every facet of something to appreciate it? Perhaps it's just a new level of appreciation. Somebody once argued to me that somebody who plays no musical instrument, can't really appreciate music. I argued that, while somebody who plays music might be able to appreciate it in a different way, anybody can appreciate it if they take the time. He didn't get it.

I don't want to appreciate this poem so intensely. I want to think "Ha, nice poem!" and leave it there. But I can't.

I also discovered today that two of my cousins met their husbands through eharmony.com, a dating site. I've always just sort of rolled my eyes at that sort of thing, but it actually seems legitimate to me now that I've seen it work twice (without even realizing it, either).

So if reach 25, still single, with no prospects, I'll have to check it out (ha).

Wicked Night Downtown

So Friday night started with YFM, the Citadel Youth Group. It ended up being a movie and games night, which was a blast. I played volleyball horribly for a nice while, and fell down a few times. We lost, but had a blast.

Then Rebeca, Catherine, and I went to Mr. Sub to meet Greg, and partake in some cookies. They were professed as the best on earth, but I didn't see it, to be honest. Good, but not the best.

Back to YFM. A bit more laughing, joking, and being awesome. Then it was over. Thinking SASF was doing downtown ministries, five of us (Myself, Mark, Greg, Catherine and Meghan) piled into Mark's car, drove downtown, and tried to find the van. After a bit of searching, we determined that we must be in the wrong, and set out on our own.

We chatted with some people, and met some interesting folks, playing music and begging on the street. I can't wait to go back again, and talk with some of these guys again.

One particular incident makes me wonder, though. We went down by the waterfront, and looked at the Naval vessel there. Turns out, it was a French research vessel. Two guys came over and started talking with us. Maybe this is where I'm a terrible witness. I didn't mention, nor did I have any intention of talking about God when I started talking to those dudes. I was just ready to chat, and learn something about another life. However, through our conversation, somebody managed to work in how much we all love God. That's good and everything, but it seemed a little forced, and I sensed (though this could simply be because he had a less-than-stellar grasp of English, more on that in a moment) that one of the guys was put off a little by it. He patronized a bit, and said that it was good to be "siris" - which I took to mean "serious" - about life.

I would have liked to talk to him for a bit myself, because it's not about being serious ... or whatever. That having been said, he probably wouldn't have talked to us without attractive ladies present.

Interesting note that came up throughout conversation. According to this guy, the English word "god" sounds very much like the French word for a certain female-oriented sex toy. This would explain his bewilderment when Catherine started talking about how much she loves God.

After all that, the bunch of us took some time to go up near Signal Hill, and sit around, talking and just being plain awesome. That was an experience, let me tell you, but I probably spent too much time thinking about how God wasn't in the wind for Elijah, and he wasn't there for me either. It's a big fingerprint of God, I mean, don't get me wrong. But the wind didn't seem to speak to me like some others expected it to speak to them.

I like Chris Rice, this song has spoken to me since the first time I heard, after my very first YC.

I would take no for an answer,
Just to know I heard you speak,
And I'm wondering why I've never,
Seen the signs they claim they see,
A lotta special revelations,
Meant for everybody but me,
Maybe I don't truly know You,
...
...
Now I've never felt the presence,
But I know You're always near,
And I've never heard the calling,
But somehow You've led me right here,
So I'm not lookin' for burnin' bushes,
Or some Divine graffiti to appear,
I'm just beggin You for Your wisdom,
And I believe You're puttin' some here...
...
...
Cause I can sniff, I can see, and I can
count up pretty high; but these faculties
aren't getting me any closer to the sky,
but my heart of faith keeps poundin' so
I know I'm doin' fine but sometimes findin
you is just like tryin to smell the color nine.
Smell the color nine...
And I believe You're puttin' some here...
or maybe I just simply believe...
...
...
Nine's not a color...
and if even if it was you can't smell a color, no
that's my point exactly.

It Was Supposed To Be Meaningful

So. This post was supposed to be meaningful in some way, but I already know it won't be.

I've got the go-ahead to buy Call of Duty 3, so Specker, watch out. Or rather, world, watch out. Speck, we've got to get some team deathmatch on the go.

My iPod earbuds broke today. The ones that came with it. Overuse? Yeah. I bought new Sony ones, expecting a brand like Sony to be something I like, where Centrios, or whatever, would not be. It's going to take getting used to. It doesn't have the full sound the original earbuds had, and I managed to waste ten minutes on equalizer settings to compensate. It didn't work.

I have a Math assignment due tomorrow. I'm half done. I'm going the rest now.

I may go to a movie tomorrow. Stranger Than Fiction, perhaps?

Also, SASF is going to the YFM service this week. Should be good, since there are people I like who go to YFM instead of SASF. Afterwards, SASFers are going to go downtown for some outreach until 2 a.m. I plan to go. Hopefully other awesome dudes do too.

I'm afraid I'm not going to get enough time to hang with the members of Air Mattress Experience before some of them move on to Alberta. Well, one of them at least. This fear must never be realized.

I had one final point, but I've forgotten it reflecting on how awesome I am. Or rather, how awesome my family is.

I will get Guitar Hero. I played it for the first time tonight. Got through Cowboys from Hell and loved every second of it. Genius. Game. These are the kinds of people who made me want to get into the games industry.

Finally, I've been reflecting on Siberia. Seems like a cool place. Temperature wise at least. Also, this huge concern of "meet girls" really let me go this week. It'll come, it'll come. I won't have to work too hard to find a woman to match my life, God's got one planned, I'm sure.

I'm excited to hang with Mark, Greg, Catherine, Meghan, and the gang too. They seem crazy enough.

Slackish Week

Last night I stressed myself out, trying to figure out if I had a Math test today, or if that was last week. Answer: no Math test today. I thought I was safe ...

I walked into my Computer Science class to a silent horde of people. More silent than usual, i mean. As I examined the classroom, people were reading their CS textbooks. I had an inkling as to what was happening, but I needed my fears confirmed.

I asked Jeremy: "Uuh, what's going on?"

"Test."

"Ooh. Test. In ... Computer Science."

He looked at me quizzically.

"Not Math." I stated simply.

"Do you have an extra pencil I could borrow?"

I dumped my stash of eight sharp pencils on the desk, where both of us could reach them, and the Professor started handing out paper.

It wasn't that bad, actually. I wrote the test fine, my only hiccup coming when I forgot how to do a particular kind of loop. I still managed to bang out some code, but it was about three times as long as it should have been. Hopefully marks will not be docked.

I also had a look at Assignment 6, which was handed back to me. I'm about ready to throw it back at the teacher. I got an 8/10 on one exercise, which, while good, should have easily been 10/10. Why would I be so presumptuous, you might ask? Simply because my program gave perfect output. It was a simple thing to take an input of a year, and determine if it's a leap year.

This is not as simple as it sounds. Apparently, every fourth year is a leap year, unless it is also divisible by 100. The exception to that, are years in increments of 400. So 2000 is a leap year, but 1900 wasn't, and 2100 won't be. Who knew?

I have one thing to be joyful for, though, with Computer Science. Test this week + no classes on Monday = No lab, and No assignment due this week. Nothing due in Physics, or English either. The last German vocab test for the term is on Friday, and I still have a Math assignment, but it doesn't look too rough.

So this short week, will be that much easier.

Now, I wonder if I can coerce Catherine, Greg and/or Mark into going to Starbucks with me ...

Actually, scratch that. I need groceries.

Flame Warriors

On the Relevant Forums, somebody necroposted a topic about this website. While necroposting normally sucks, I was glad for it this time, because I didn't catch the site the first time around.

It got me to thinking about the old Canadians for Christ forums, and what happened there. There was what one might call an Armageddon of a Flame War, spread out among half a dozen threads. In the end, the forum lay in smoldering ruins, and the founder of the forum shut it down.

It might be a bit presumptuous of me to say this, but I think I might have been the Godzilla that started the whole thing. I mean, the forum was on shakey foundations from the beginning, but I really ignited the whole Flame-war, I think, and fought through it to the end.

Now CFC is back. It's pretty dull right now. VERY slow. But I'm going to get back into it. Some of those guys were pretty cool, and maybe it'll come back to what it once was.

I don't know if I could classify my current Flame-Warrior status either right now. Maybe I'll mull it over a bit.

Good Stuff

Short post:

I've thought sometimes what or who I'd be if I wasn't brought up as a 'good' boy, or if I wasn't a Christian.

I think I'd probably drink a lot, but probably not to get drunk. Just to be social.

I'd smoke, but I'd smoke a pipe more often than cigarettes. It looks so soothing. Until you develop cancer, of course.

I think I wouldn't do drugs, but I dunno why I think that.

I'd probably be a big flirt. Well, I'd probably be a shameless flirt, rather. I dunno, after a bus-ride encounter, and talking from friends back home, I just wish I could date casually, have a good time. But that's I guess, an ego-centric thing. How awesome can I convince this person I am?

There are days when "Good guys finish last" smacks me in the head. But then I remember that "Good guys" and "Not-so Good Guys" have different goals. Or rather, they should have different goals.

Which makes me wonder if I'm really a Good Guy at all. Maybe I'm just a good actor?

Wonderings. I normally hate it when people ramble on about "I wish I could be bad!" or "I wish I didn't feel this way" or anything like that. But I can empathize more now.

I'm understanding a lot more people since I left my bubble/my bubble was popped.

And yet, with this extended understanding, I still don't know where I stand, where I'm going, or what I should do to be happy.

Not that I'm unhappy. Lonely, a little bit, perhaps. But I guess I want to be happier. You know? And I don't think that's unhealthy.

Wow, tangent much? I'll leave you with David Hutching's pickup line, now that I remember it.

"If you're a function, I want to be your derivative, so I can be tangent to your curves."

I laughed when I heard it.

Then I got mad at Jon for doing homework at Jungle Jim's.

Oh my. Maybe I should just do my degree here. After my second year, if nothing is developing in St. John's, I'll reconsider where I'm going with my education, and what exactly my motives are in going where I'm going, and doing what I'm doing.

I was supposed to end this back there somewhere.

Wii Will, Wii Will, Rock You

Holy crap. I was excited for the Wii before, but now, I might actually go nuts with anticipation.

I will get one of these eventually. How incredible does all that look?!

Wii Experience. Watch a video or two. That looks so fun!

Anybody Out There?

I think that me waiting for buses, with an iPod, and fresh air, should be outlawed. My brain turns too much, and still comes up with nothing useful.

I was thinking about how much I have to live up to. How much we ALL have to live up to. A friend of mine once told me that we have an awesome responsibility, to minister to those around us. True, but we also must do something even greater: We must live the worth of twenty lives.

The cost of one year of University here, for me, is the cost of sponsoring 20-24 children through the Salvation Army. I get a slightly above-average (for Canada) education, for the cost of twenty way above-average educations in Africa. Is that fair? That means that when I grow up, I must change more than twenty lives. Heck, why start then?

My whole life must be an investment.

I was also thinking about how sometimes I feel very alone in my convictions. Perhaps it's just because I'm nuts, but then the song "Anybody Out There?" by Burlap to Cashmere came on. I just don't know anymore. Is there anybody for me? Not even like, a future life-partner, but a community of hardcore change-the-world people.

Then again, how "change-the-world" am I? All I've been doing all week is talking about becoming a janitor in Jerusalem, or a street vendor in Moscow. Might widen my worldview, but not much more, I suspect.

Anyways, some of the "Anybody Out There?" lyrics:

Sometimes while I'm driving
Trying to find my song
Looking for the answers
And where I do belong
Finally the children are
Bringin' me back home

Ooooooooh Ooooooooh Ooooooooh
Is there anybody out there
Does anybody care
Are the people really there
Ooooooooh Ooooooooh Ooooooooh
Is there anybody seeking
Does anybody see
Or are they deaf and dumb like me

My Weekend

I cannot wait to go home tomorrow.

I have to get up at like, 5:30, but that's okay. I'm going home.

I have to be on the bus for endless hours, but that's okay. I'm going home.

I have to spend mucho dollars, but that's okay. I'm going home.

It's not that I don't like it out here. I just haven't found my groove yet. It's nice to go back somewhere where you just fit automatically.

I thought today, that it took many years to develop the friendships back home, and that was with people who were just as secure as me. Now I'm here where everyone is already happy, and I need to tear a hole in that wall in order to get in. Can it be done politely? Of course, but it's still not easy to 'break in.'

But that's okay. COD3 playing, Jungle Jim's, movie watching, and Louis-gee's pizza over the next few days.

"Pow!" Day

So, Tuesdays are supposed to be my slack day. Only two classes, with three hours between, and then the rest of the day for myself. But today has been a day of waiting, because at 3, I had a meeting with my "shrink" (he's actually a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, but I call him that because it makes me feel like I have big issues), at 5, I had a Physics test, and at 7, I had to catch a ride to Bible Study with Jillian.

My first "Pow!" came today with English, and realizing that I have an in-class assignment on Thursday. Nothing to worry about, but I just didn't expect it so soon.

My second "Pow!" came with my meeting with my Psychologist. He says I'm adapting. Or something. I've felt really good lately, and he's pretty much re-enforced the concept that it's doing stuff that's made me that way. Being with people, reading, watching movies, playing X Box. It's all good. I'm finding ways to escape, and ways to cope with life. And I'm also removing some factors that make me want to escape in the first place.

My third "Pow!" came with a conversation I had with my cousin about video games. I won't post her argument here, because I know I'll misrepresent her. Her arguments were mostly valid or excusable due to lack of experience, but it was interesting to hear the other side from somebody who isn't a crazy Florida Lawyer who shares my last name and who's first name rhymes with "Hack." My big thought came when I realized that we can still be on opposite sides of the argument and "know" we're right. Where am I wrong in my thinking? Well obviously, I think "nowhere," otherwise I wouldn't argue those points, but it's something to think about. Where do my prejudices, and inexperience color my perception. Even worse, where do my intense desires for things, wash out all rational arguments against the things I'm thinking about. Did that even make sense? Of course not.

My final "Pow!" was a big let-down, though it shouldn't have been. You know when you know the truth, but since nobody has corroborated your theory, you still hold on to the hope that you're wrong, and everything is how you want it to be? You know when somebody finally corroborates that truth, and you're like "Aaw, crap." Yeah, that's what happened.

She's a cool girl too. I don't even know her that well, and here I was pretending I had a chance to sweep her off her feet. It's probably for the best, since if I can't move in, I can't mess things up, yeah?

Ugh, wasn't I supposed to grow up somewhere between High-School and University? I'm chasing girls more hardcore here than I was a year ago! What's wrong with me? It's probably just that I'm still under the illusion that everyone around me is stupendous. I haven't learned everyone's vice. Plus there's a bit of loneliness. And the delusion that a girlfriend would make the world better all of the sudden.

I've also been using Google as a spell check, ever since FireFox 2.0 came out. Why you ask? Because it has spell-check built into it. I have to eliminate those red lines. They're like my kryptonite.

From "I think my TiVo is gay"

From "I think my TiVo is gay"

" ... I think as a country we are ready for more gay consumer electronics. I mean, a DVD player is obviously designed to be connected to a Television set, but if two DVD players want to be connected to each other, is that really threatening your marriage? .. "

Why did I find that so funny?

MSN Time Capsule

I just went through a dozen or so long conversations that I have archived on MSN. It's incredible the way things have changed. University was going to solve all my problems, relationships could only get stronger. My life was going to be a picture-perfect film. If you had challenged me on it back then, I'd have acknowledged that it wouldn't be movie-like, but I still didn't expect life to be like this.

I went to a movie with Steph A last night. We saw Man of the Year. Excellent movie, and a great time. We waisted three hours wandering the mall, going to HMV, sitting in The Second Cup, and chatting.

I cannot believe how much I love to talk. To hear. To tell. It's so great. You get to understand people a bit more, even if it's just in a superficial way. I wonder the value, but then realize that the value isn't as important as the fact that I had a great time, talking about virtually nothing.

A friend of mine was talking to me on MSN the other day. About University and his life. He was joking about how little he got out as a University student. I said he should get out more, socialize a bit. He told me that when he was done his education, he'd have the time and means to party.

But will he know how? All of his friends will be party veterans, and he'll be the rookie. It won't even be the same thing.

Why aren't we more careless people? People quote the phrase "Live each moment like it'll be your last," but never do it. I'm not saying we should forget the future, but we need to have a good time now. Einstein said something about how the American man is to focused on the future, too concerned with where he will be, than where he is.

He also said "A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future." How much of the present must we barter off for a great tomorrow that might never come? And if it does come, and it's not as great as it could be ... then how much does that matter anyways?

I'm winding down now, I swear: The problem with people today is ... well, first and foremost, the belief that we don't need God. Second, though, is this consumerist society. What are most of our goals? Nice house, nice car, good job. Yeah, children factor in, and a wife, perhaps, but we can deconstruct that down to biology, if we really wanted to. I don't know what I'm saying, to be honest. This is just a tangent I sort of got launched off on.

This is also my 300th post across all the blogs I've had in the past years.

They make less sense today than they did when I started blogging.

Denomonational Bras

While blog-hopping today, I came across this joke, which I thought was pretty funny, so I'll post it here.

If you're interested, it was linked from lublink.ca, to here.

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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

” Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras from which to choose.”

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple.. .

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

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Movie Me

Today I was recalling some things I've said, and thing I've thought over the past few days, and I've boiled them all down to a concept that is probably utterly absurd. I've named it the same thing as the title of this post.

Movie Me.

I think everybody does this thing to an extent, but I think I might have built a small shrine of a life around it. When I think of myself, and who I want to be, I imagine this big movie of my life. In movies, the characters have things that they do, and are in situations that are awesome. Example: I loved how the family used to sit on the roof in 3rd Rock From The Sun. I always wanted my own 'quiet place' or something like that. Some place that's not in my house, but is totally unique to me. I haven't found one, though I've discovered that the steps of DHQ make a good thinking spot. It doesn't feel right though. So I keep searching.

Some things that I've started doing: walking/busing places. It's just a feeling of independence that I like. Walking to church, for example. I could get a ride with Meagan, but it just feels good to walk. It feels "Movie Me." It's part of the person that I want to become.

I've started reading more. I once heard it said thatif you haven't read anything for three days, you have nothing interesting to say.

The other day, I sat on a windowsill with a friend at University. I thought that was so cool. Just sitting there, and looking out a window. People sit there all the time, but it felt like mine that day. You understand that feeling?

Similar to when I walked across campus today. Leaves on the ground. Golden sunlight poured over the buildings. The perfect song on my iPod (I don't remember what it was). Straight from a movie. It felt like I was part of something. I did work in the commons. Just on a computer, with a hundred people around. Doing something useful. Leaving the building after the sun had gone down. A feeling of accomplishment (even though I couldn't even get my assignment to work.)

Unfortunately, that's where my power ends. The rest of Movie Me is built with relationships with great people. They're a two-sided thing, so I can't just say how awesome I am for friendship "X."

Truth is: that feels like the biggest unrealized part of Movie Me. And the world doesn't make it easy. There are three Christian groups at the University, and I've only really gone to one. There are good people there, but for every Stephanie (and there are a few!) I meet, I fear I miss out on two other potential friends. I'm excited for the group service this Friday, but all the same, I wish I didn't have to miss the YFM progressive dinner. Because there are excellent people there too.

I'm going to do something this week, or the beginning of the next. I'm going to plan something to do for the week. With someone, or some people. I don't care, but I think the biggest failure of Movie Me is waiting for organized events to build friendships. It's easy enough for other people, who already have friends, and are content with that. But I'm not comfortable here. I'm wanting to get out and meet. Build.

And I haven't been doing it.

But now I will.

Project for this week: go to Starbucks with someone, or have somebody over. Do. Something.